Saturday, August 29, 2009

Saturday Snippets: Humorous Excerpts

Today's Saturday Snippets theme is humor. Thus all our excerpts will be humorous today. I love romantic comedies and have written several. It was hard to choose which humorous excerpt to choose, but this has always been one of my favorite. In this scene the mystery woman jumps her motorcycle over police cars to escape the hero's trap. It's from my book "Purrfect Justice" prequel to "American Beauty. Excerpt Purrfect Justice by Ashley Ladd Published by Ellora's Cave

Cole lay in wait for his mystery woman, his gut clenched. He scanned the alley and perked his ears for any sign of her. She should have been here over an hour ago. Soon, he’d have to scrub the operation and call it a failure.

For the thousandth time, he checked his watch.

Maybe she was onto him. Did that mean that Sheila had squealed? Or could Sheila be the mystery woman herself?

His unit blocked the alley on the south end.

Dressed in all black, including a ski mask to hide his face, Brad posed as the bad guy. He prowled the alley, blowing bubbles with his gum.

Maurice, Steve, Eddie and Fernando lay in wait in the shadows. Each had expressed concern that Cole’s mystery woman wasn’t going to show if she hadn’t by now.

Two unmarked units waited at the open end of the alley waiting to block it off and trap their guest. They had chosen a section of the alley with no escape routes. The buildings on both sides were joined. There wasn’t even a sidewalk for a motorcycle to escape.

They were ready for her.

At least, they were physically ready for her. Cole had no clue what to do with her once they caught her. His mind swirled with possibilities. Should he book her for interference in police activity? Did he just give her a warning? Should he award her a medal for being a hero and saving his neck? Should he show his gratitude by taking her out for a fancy dinner with roses and the works? Would he make mad, passionate love to her? March her to a preacher and marry her? Or should he just say thank you, shake her hand, and walk away?

After all, she was a complete stranger. All he knew about her was that she tasted sweet and felt heavenly in his arms.

But so did Haley….

Haley made him laugh, and she stimulated his mind as well as other parts of his anatomy. Haley was real. She had a history. She didn’t lurk around mysteriously in the dark and play charades.

Cole rubbed his chin, staring off into space. So what about Haley? His blood boiled and his groin ached just thinking about her. Every nerve ending sizzled when they touched. Her lips far eclipsed any honey he’d ever tasted. She made him laugh. And she’d make a good sensible wife and mother to some lucky man. He couldn’t go wrong choosing her.

Except he was also obsessed with his fantasy heroine. What a dream come true! As ethereal as mist, she disappeared as quickly as she appeared. He couldn’t rest till he knew who she was.

But fantasies weren’t real. Once he knew the woman’s true identity, would the magic dissipate? She might have no personality, fluff for brains, or even have been a man, like the lady on his bowling league who had undergone a sex change operation and now possessed both feminine and masculine traits. Would he want a wife who chased around on motorcycles in the dead of night? Or maybe he just wanted a sizzling affair with the temptress until the fire in his gut burned out? Then he’d be ready to settle down with a nice woman like Haley, like his Pop had suggested.

Brad sauntered over to him. “I don’t think she’s coming, or she’d have been here by now. Let’s call it a night.”

Grouchy because he wanted to find out the woman’s identity so badly and had been so sure tonight would be the night, and also because of his doubts, Cole slammed his fist into his other hand. “Not yet. Maybe she didn’t hear the call yet. She could be on her way.”

“The other guys think we’re bustin’ our balls to wait any longer.” Brad lifted his mask and fanned his face. “Man, you know how hot this sucker is?”

Cole growled. “Just give it ten more minutes, and if she hasn’t shown, we’ll scrub the operation.” A car sped past the alley and his nerves jumped to alert. But it was another false alarm so his shoulders slumped.

“Maybe she’s onto you, man.” Brad pursed his lips and laid a commiserating hand on Cole’s shoulder.

Cole knocked his friend’s hand off. “She could be staking us out, you know. You’ll blow our cover,” he hissed. “Be a real pal, and point that gun at me.”

Brad raised his toy water pistol. They were taking no chances of shooting one another or their mystery lady with live ammo. He hoped this wouldn’t make the news, or else they would be the laughingstock of South Florida. Worse, the criminals might not take them seriously in future.

A motorcycle roared to life, jerking Cole alert. “It’s her.” His gut clenched and his fingers tightened around the flashlight he held. His pulse hammered in his veins and his breathing came out in short bursts. He flashed the signal in Morse code to his men. “Ready. Action. Roll ‘em,” he muttered under his breath.

To Brad, he ordered, “Get that arm up and gun out, soldier. Look threatening. Snarl or something.”

Brad snorted, backing away a few feet, gun raised high. “If she shoots me or karate chops me, you’re a dead man.”

Cole’s gaze riveted on the still clear alley entrance, willing her to enter their trap. He felt like a spider, spinning its web around its prey. He didn’t like the feeling.

The roaring grew louder. He could smell her oil. She was almost here. He stretched his arms so high over his head they ached. Now he knew what a damsel-in-distress felt like.

Finally, she blazed into the alley, speeding towards Brad, who ducked and rolled to safety as she kicked a deadly leg at him. It would have kicked the water pistol from his hands if he’d been a second slower.

The units closed in, blocking the alley, entrapping her. The troops took their position.

The woman must not have seen them for she pulled up next to Cole and shouted above her noisy engine, “You okay? Hop on!”

Cole grabbed the cycle’s handle and shook his head, his features taut. “Turn off the bike and get off!”

His men crept closer, water pistols drawn. They looked lethally real in the dark alley, moonlight glinting off them. The web pulled tighter.

Cole’s throat constricted.

Her sharp glance ricocheted to the men, and then back to him. “This is a trap,” she accused, revving the cycle, turning her face away from Cole, presenting her silky mahogany head for his inspection. Her shoulders tensed, bunching together.

Again, a trace of recognition sparked, but the connection failed. The woman seemed very familiar, yet he couldn’t place her.

“Who are you? Identify yourself.” He had to shout to be heard over her engine. “Get off the motorcycle!” His patience wore thin as did his nerves. Didn’t she realize her little game was over and that he had won?

She shook her head vehemently, revved her engine and roared off toward the far, blocked end of the alley, flame shooting out the bike’s afterburners. Her hair whipped out behind her.

“She’s not going anywhere,” Brad said smugly beside him, yanking the knit mask off his head. “We’ve got her blocked.”

Worry slammed through Cole as he watched the wheels spin faster and faster, and the bike eat up its safety stopping margin. He cursed under his breath as he gave chase on foot. She was going to crash and burn. What was wrong with her?

The officers standing by the vehicles flailed their arms at her to stop, shouting dire warnings.

But the motorcycle stayed true to its path and bore down on them. The men dove out of the way when the mystery woman's motorcycle jumped over the hoods of their government issued sedans. Cole’s jaw dropped so wide it almost disjointed. He slammed into the nearest car, heaving over the hood. Furious, he pounded his fist into the car as he watched the night swallow bike and rider. “Damn!”

Available at: Ellora's Cave Visit the other Saturday Snippet authors for more humorous excerpts. Victoria Janssen Jody Wallace Juliana Stone Kelly Maher McKenna Jeffries Moira Rogers Shelley Munro TJ Michaels Taige Crenshaw Vivian Arend Lauren Dane Mark Henry Elisabeth Naughton
Michelle Rowen
Shelli Stevens You'll also want to see what Amarinda Jones, Anika Hamilton, Anny Cook, Barbara Huffert, Brynn Paulin, Bronwyn Green, Dakota Rebel, Kelly Kirch, Molly Daniels, Sandra Cox, Regina Carlysle, and Cindy Spencer Pape are up to, so make sure to visit them also. :)

1 comment:

Sandra Cox said...

Thanks for posting your snippet. Have a great weekend.

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