Yesterday morning I was running late to work so I hopped onto the toll road. As I was trying to get on, several cars sped around me as if I was crawling. When I looked at my speedometer, however, I was going 75 mph – in a 65 mph zone.
What the hell?
I hate that.
It reminds me, too, how I keep comparing myself to others even though I know I shouldn’t. I worry that I don’t write enough, that I don’t publish enough stories a year, that I don’t write longer stories, that my stories aren’t published with a bigger, more prestigious publisher.
Why do I put myself through that hell?
If I were sitting at home all day being lazy, maybe I could understand my feeling. But I don’t. Yesterday for instance was a really crazy day. First, my son hurt his ankle so I had to take him to the pediatrician. It had a bad sprain. I missed three hours of work.
While I was at the pediatrician’s office, I got a text from my older daughter that our cat was hurt, that her tail was cut and wouldn’t stop bleeding. When I took my son home for my daughter to watch, my daughter said the tail was hardly bleeding. I thought it would be okay, so I went back to work.
I was only back at work a couple of hours when I got wind that two of my staff were heating up a disagreement. Before I could deal with that my daughter called back frantic – the cat’s tail was still bleeding. So I called the vet who told me to bring the cat in right away. Again I left work early, ran home for the cat, took the cat to the doctor (not too bad thank God), then decided I should make up time at work, so dropped the cat and my daughters at home (the younger daughter had been at work with me so she could volunteer in our Mail Center).
Then I had to go to a late night MRI to check my knee – from 8-9 pm. That was scheduled during the couple hours I was back at work between the pediatrician and the animal hospital.
This was the ONE evening I had off from softball and volunteering at the softball field concession stand, to write, spend time with the kids, maybe go to the pumpkin patch, buy my daughter a pair of jeans she needs, etc. I really wanted to type in the rest of my story and work on it.
I was really stressing out. I couldn’t ask my husband to help because he had a very important appointment down in Miami he had to attend.
So although I’m moving as fast as I can, so fast I feel breathless, on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I’m not moving fast enough. My writing’s at a stand still. Everybody is passing me by.
Yes, I know I have to stop sometimes to live life and get ideas. But it also seems like so many people are passing me by. I wonder if I’m too busy that I should even try, that I should come home late at night and stay up late to write a blog post, or should I spend this bit of time writing stories.
I wonder how so many other people have time to write so much, to publish so many books, what I’m doing wrong that I can’t even begin to keep up. I wonder why I worry when I know I should only judge me against myself.
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You'll also want to see what Amarinda Jones, Anika Hamilton, Anny Cook, Barbara Huffert, Brynn Paulin, Bronwyn Green, Dakota Rebel, Kelly Kirch, Molly Daniels, Sandra Cox, Regina Carlysle, and Cindy Spencer Pape are up to, so make sure to visit them also. :)
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9 comments:
see now, I don't give a rat's bottom what anyone else is doing - writing or otherwise - and I refuse to measure against another
Careful, Ash...last time I felt the faster I ran, the farther I fell behind was right before my car accident. Don't put so much pressure on yourself; the words and time to write will come when the time is right.
Sounds like you need to read Nancy J. Parra's post, "Finding Time." http://nancyjparra.blogspot.com/2009/10/finding-time.html.
I'm glad I'm not comparing myself to you... I'd look SUPER lazy.
I know what you mean, Ash. I write slowly and methodically. For awhile I wondered if I was just not fast enough because it seemed my friends finished a ms. much faster. Now, I don't worry about it. I write how I write and nothing is going to change that. As for the other stuff? Life happens and we have to adjust our schedules for it. It can make us nuts but that's okay. Eventually we'll get back on schedule.
I for one am very impressed with your ability to write with the hectic life you have. Don't worry about what others are doing. You have an impressive backlist to prove you're doing something right.
Good lord! I think you're amazingly prolific. Give yourself a hug. You're doing fine.
Oh my gosh. I don't know how you do it, Ash. Kudos to you for pulling it all together. I hope today is much more serene.
I *think* the Internet's finally back up. At least for a moment. It's been down 3 days while AT&T tries to give us U-Serve service which is supposed to be better. We'll see. ;The first three days did not give me much confidence. I've been going crazy without Internet.
I think we all feel this way, Ashley. When the truth is, we're only in competition with ourselves. Only we know if we've given our very best, and it sounds like you're doing that. :)
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